I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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