i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I enjoy the company of your penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
