I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
