Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
