he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
