You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
