Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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