how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
