The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
