so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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