The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
...so i touched it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
