u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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