My hand turned me down
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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