She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
