why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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