Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
