i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
