I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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