Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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