my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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