I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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