Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I touched a dick in church today
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
