I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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