Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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