Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
