My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
