Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
