took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
