Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
