There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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