don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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