I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
