In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
