so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
