Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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