john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
