two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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