Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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