1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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