either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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