I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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