I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
