I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
