How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
