i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
