I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
