TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
