I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just googled if crying burns calories
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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