O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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