Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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