You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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