I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
