cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
