You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You made out with two different species that night
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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